Newsflash: The First Zoe Report Lands, Full Of Rachel Zoe-isms Obviously

Forget coffee.  I woke up this morning with the arrival of The Zoe Report, the very first email newsletter from stylist/publicity hound Rachel Zoe.  GOOP it is not.

Today marks the fashion-and-beauty-focused newsletter’s official launch, and true to form, Zoe went all out, touting a pair of Brian Atwood’s leopard Lola Platform Pumps.  There are three important elements of her writing, which I hope to see more of in the future:

1.  The phrase I DIE, written in reference to the Lola Platform Pumps, which have about seventeen-inch high heels.  It’s funny because Zoe dies of pleasure in reaction to these, whereas I die of fear.  Luckily these pumps are so special they actually aren’t available online anywhere yet (except the black ones, which you can pre-order.)

2.  A made-up word.  Shooties!  Low booties are no longer enough.  The Brian Atwood Lola is a shoe plus bootie, hence a shootie.  Zoe kindly includes the definition for us.

3.  A shout-out to all us plebeians out there.  After her signature (xoRZ, which, frankly, is weird-looking) there is something called “Parallel Universe.”  (This is a universe Rachel Zoe herself would never inhabit.)  Basically, if getting on the pre-order list for the $680 Brian Atwood Lola shooties doesn’t work for you, Zoe, or Zoe’s public relations manager, has provided a pair of Steve Madden alternatives.   They’re kind of meh, so we found our own alternative that is indeed animal-printed:

This cut-out bootie from Betsey Johnson ($200) is elegantly high-heeled, but will leave you slightly less likely to pitch forward into moving traffic than the Brian Atwood pair.

Welcome to the world of shooties, ladies.  I DIE.

For more picks and recommendations, check out our handy boots guide as well as some of our favorite fashion-forward yet affordable shoe options.  Of course, if you’re just looking to score a tan like Rachel Zoe’s, make sure you go about it safely, and without fear of turning orange.