10 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming A Single Parent...
July 7, 2016
Although I’ve admitted that there are some positives to being a single parent, it also comes with its obvious downsides. I feel like a lot of celebrity moms make it seem not-so-bad (I’m looking at you, Padma Lakshmi), but it definitely is not ideal.
I feel like I’ve found my footing as a single mom, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t hiccups and growing pains. Here are just 10 of the things I never thought about–or thought through–when I decided to separate from my daughter’s father:
1. Dating. Part of me genuinely believed I would never date again because I had a child. And what man wants a woman with a child? But there are guys out there who don’t automatically rule out dating single moms–for real! The problem, of course, is coordinating these dates. Finding a babysitter, sometimes at the absolute last minute isn’t always easy. Answering panicked phone calls from said babysitter during your date is even harder.
2. Relationships. The complexities of getting into a relationship with someone other than your child’s father are the subject of a whole different blog post. Maybe even a book. But to sum things up, there is the question of when and how to explain the relationship to your kid; how much time your new boyfriend should spend around your child; balancing time with your boyfriend along with time with your child. It’s a never-ending juggling act and it is not easy.
3. Your relationship with the other parent. My ex and I initially separated on good terms, but that all went out the window when I (a) started dating something else and (b) took him to court for child support. We rarely speak now and when we do, I keep it as short as possible so that it won’t escalate. My daughter still obviously loves him very much, so having to lie to her about how “wonderful” he is is a real pain in my …
4. Milestones. I was watching an episode of Glee and Idina Menzel’s character nailed this one on the head. She was explaining how it’s obviously hard to deal with a crying baby when there are dishes to wash, laundry to be done and no one to help. But it’s even harder, however, when your child takes his/her first steps, or says his/her first words and there is no one there to look over and celebrate with. Word.
5. Stress. Feeling like your kid’s entire success in life rests solely on your shoulders is a quite a bit of pressure. Is she smart enough, will he get into that school, why can’t they stop sucking their thumbs? It helps to have someone who is equally invested in your kid talk you off the ledge when you feel like these little things signal total failure for your kid.
6. Alone time. Is basically non-existent. Fortunately, I really love spending time with my daughter and having her around me. But even so, there are times when I wish I just didn’t have to clean to the soundtrack of Yo Gabba Gabba in the background.
7. Money. Even millionaires complain about how expensive raising a child is, so the money factor affects all parents. But if, as single parent, you’re not receiving any financial help from the other parent, there’s even more of a strain.
8. Resentment. Full disclosure: I totally resent my daughter’s father for being able to hang out with his friends whenever, go on impromptu trips and buy whatever he wants because he isn’t responsible for the day-to-day care of our daughter. I would love to just go on vacay without tons of planning beforehand. That being said, I wouldn’t trade places with him in a heartbeat. He’s missed so much of her growing up–I just couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t there for those firsts.
9. Guilt. When I see seemingly happy families with two parents strolling down the street when it’s just my daughter and me, I always feel self-conscious. My daughter deserves that, but I will never, under any circumstances, get back together with her dad. Because I’m so sure of that, I can’t help but feel really guilty.
10. Anger. When I put my daughter on time out, she’ll scream and cry at the top of her lungs, “I want my daddy.” It is literally like a knife through my heart. “If she only knew,” I think to myself. “At least I am here, trying to make you a better person. Where is he?”
Any other single moms feel my pain? What about married moms? Does being married and raising kids come with its own challenges? Share your opinion in the comments.
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