When I was little I was afraid of Santa Claus. My mother would dress me up my holiday velvet, put a ribbon in my hair, and prepare herself for the wonderful photos she could send with her Christmas cards. However, once I got within 50 feet of the fat man and his white beard I broke into sobbing, nose-running, hysterics. Whereas the Easter Bunny, a 6 foot tall rodent, was non-threatening, Santa was my worst nightmare. Of course, it might be partly because I'm half Jewish.
I still don't like the idea of an elderly, obese man sneaking into my house while I'm sleeping, asking me to tell him secrets while I'm perched on his lap, or claiming to know if I was "naughty or nice". Besides the sneaking into my house part, the other two things (unfortunately) often happen to me when I go out to bars. However, if St. Nick was to bring me some of these goodies from my Christmas list…well, I might change my opinion of his antics. I still won't sit on his lap, though.
1. Loeffler Randall Isadora Pump ($475): I've been salivating over these hipster cool pumps for a while. Unfortunately, I'm attached to my extra kidney. So I have not the funds to purchase them. Sigh. Santa, don't you understand that these shoes would instantly update my LBD and opaque black tights?
2. And, I will need a ring cool enough to accompany those Loeffler Randalls. Cocktail rings are the newest hotness, with everyone from Banana Republic to Cartier is featuring them in their collections. I love the raw, unfinished quality of this Cosa Fina black hemitite ring ($1,600) and believe it would fit oh-so-nicely in my stocking.
3. This Phillip Lim pleat-front dress is certainly a rich blue at $623. But, Santa, I could make it look really good. I'd spread holiday cheer in an adorable, delicate lace strap. And that's far kinder to animals than a fur trimmed red suit. Ask Rudolph–I bet he would agree.
4. I'm often very, very cold. Why? My apartment is heated by a wall-mounted gas unit that is about as warm as Nancy Grace's personality. So, this Rachel Pally shawl would be functional and fashionable. And it costs a not-entirely-unreasonable $198. C'mon, Santa–you could rent out an elf for the cash.
5. As I leave graduate school with the accompanying debt, I am trying to become a more financially responsible individual. So the gift of investment would be one that will offer returns for years to come. GendeX Mutual Fund was developed — and is managed by — hip, young adults with an eye for what’s cool. They know funds and are ready to share the knowledge. It might not make my gams look as good as those Loeffler Randall shoes, but I suppose my fiscal future comes before showing off all those lunges I've been doing. But if you'd like to put both beneath my tree, I won't complain.
P.S. You keep leaving me this stuff. I have enough of it, so let's focus on the five aforementioned ideas.