I love you. I really do. I love that I can't leave you without spending at least $100, and without seeing something—a plain cotton tee, a family-sized bottle of shampoo, The 40-Year-Old Virgin on DVD, a Kitchen-Aid mixer—that's not on my list but that I absolutely cannot live another day without. And I love that I can own a Devi Kroell, Zac Posen, or Jovovich-Hawk design without having to take out a hefty bank loan. But (you knew there was a "but" coming, didn't you, Target?) I need to stage an intervention: your GO International line? Yeah, it's not good.
You know that SNL skit where Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen play really avant garde, out-there artists named Nuni who force their uncomfortable guests to sit in chairs that spin or are made of hair? This line would be perfectly at home in that cringe-inducing world of the future. Your awkward color story—neon green, strawberry pink, wash-me-out peach and shiny green-gray—is part early '80s disco and part futuristic nightmare.
And the styles, oh, the tiny, unflattering styles. Who among you, Target designers, thought a satin romper would look good on anyone besides Judy Jetson? And what man—because I know a woman wouldn't dream of doing this to her own sex—thought to put the button details on a drab pullover right across the bust line? An actual headlights incident is embarrassing enough; why would anyone purposely make it look they had four nipples, all standing at attention? And can we talk about the Dynasty-meets-Battlestar Galactica jacket ? Really? Metallic linen, puffy sleeves and the illusion of shoulder pads—a triple whammy of distastefulness.
Finally, let's discuss the times when it's appropriate to use stretchy, shiny lamé: never. There is never an appropriate time. Your pink and silver colorblock dress cuts right across the widest part of a woman, making her look hippy on top of unnecessarily lumpy. And if you're going to ask me to layer two dresses, as you do with your foil-print zip dress/cotton tank dress combo, you'd better make sure the top layer doesn't make me look like a wrapped, trapped baked potato with pockets.
You know, Target, I'm always willing to give you another chance, so don't look at this as a Dear John letter. Think of it instead as a "Get Your Act Together" letter. I'll always need $1.99 seasonal melamine plates and Choxie chocolates (well, maybe not "need"…) but if things on the fashion front continue in this way, I might just have to pass up the clothing department altogether.
Thanks for understanding,
P.S. You might want to browse our Spring Fashion Guide for some tips on what's really hot this season.