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This Is The Only Bachelor In Paradise Recap You Need To Read...

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August 4, 2014

Alright, we’re just going to start by laying it all out in the open, Bachelor in Paradise is all kinds of screwed up. But if you missed it for any reason, like having something better to do with your life on a Monday night, than we’ve got you covered.

Fresh off Andi Dorfman‘s season of the Bachelorette, (What number was that? Season 372?) ABC knew we just couldn’t get enough of the roses and the drama, so they took the most obnoxious and memorable past Bachelor and Bachelorette contests and threw them all on an island in Mexico with a whole lot of tequila. If this sounds like a raunchier, more luxurious version of Survivor, you’ve got it right.

How it works:

Right now, there are 7 girls and 6 guys on the island. The girl that isn’t part of a “couple” and doesn’t receive a rose from one of the guys the end of this week will be eliminated. Then the next week, the girls will give the roses. So, yes, these contestants have to get down to business and do it really fast. For lack of better words, these bitches are THIRSTY. Within the first twenty minutes, Lacy from Juan Pablo‘s season was already straddling not one, but TWO guys in the ocean. Yep, Episode 1 and it’s already getting weird, people.

But let’s back track. As the contestants arrived on the island one-by-one, they were greeted by none other than, Chris Harrison, who ditched his traditional dark suit and opted for a light pink shirt for Paradise. (Maybe this is his post-divorce look?) The stand-outs: crazy Clare from Juan Pablo’s season, Marquel ‘the cookie man’ (Why isn’t he the next bachelor?!), Marcus and Dylan from Andi’s season (Wait…weren’t these three in love with Andi a month ago?), Elise who made the most awkward entrance “in Bachelor history” because she couldn’t even walk in her wedges, and Michelle K who may not or may not be single.

The Dates: 

When the first date card arrived, Clare was able to invite anyone she wanted on a date, and she innocently picked Graham. Little did she know, AshLee was so obsessed with Graham (after knowing him for MAYBE 10 minutes) that she already bought her wedding dress, named their future babies and tattooed his name on her arm. Ok…she didn’t actually do that, but she did admit to stalking his Instagram on the reg. Who does that?! She’s actually so crazy that she made Clare cancel and take Robert (who looks like a high school surf-bro) instead. WTF, this girl is bat-shit-cray.

Then the next date card came and it was Sarah’s turn. The quietest, most awkward girl on the island invited the hottest guy on the island Marcus on her date, where they shared their first kiss. But we all already know that Marcus gets engaged at the end of this, so…who cares.

Everyone was starting to get along and couple off, until Chris Harrison threw in a twist. Out of nowhere, Michelle Money from Brad Womack’s season arrived on the island with a date card in hand widening the girl to guy ratio. (Cue panic.) Oh and shocker…she is also in love with Graham. What is this?! The Graham show?! For lack of better words, I can’t even. But just to mix things up, she picks the cookie man. BOOM! Take that Graham.

Wait… how did Robert get two dates? Clare and Lacy are the best looking girls on the show, and he looks like he belongs in an Abercrombie Kids ad. And why is Lacy always in the ocean? Is this girl a secret mermaid or something?

The Rose Ceremony:

Going into the rose ceremony, the girls are in a frenzy, because none of them want to go home. Everyone is starting to form alliances, just like Survivor. Actually, it IS Survivor. They’ve just exchanged teepees, coconuts and challenges for wine glasses, dates and hopefully, condoms.

Just to make things a little more interesting, Michelle K sends herself home before the rose ceremony even begins. And as Marquel said, “the coconut doesn’t fall far from the crazy tree.” (He’s got that right). Then roses are given to Michelle M by Marquel (awww), AshLee by Graham (Run Graham, you still have a chance to save yourself!), Elise by Dylan, Lacy by Marcus (GAME CHANGER!), Robert to Clare (#FriendZone) and Ben to Sarah, which means poor Daniella was sent home. BYEEE

And there ya have it…episode 1. What did you think? Will you keep watching? Or is Bachelor In Paradise just too ridiculous for you? Let us know in the comments below, and be sure to check us out next week for another recap.

For more on celebrities, check out: Beyoncé’s Insta feed, Christina Aguilera’s naked pics and hot men in suits.

[Photo: Splash News]

 

 

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