Yes, I'm posting about umbrellas and I will not use the "-ella" stutter at the end. Because you know what, speech impediments are neither fun nor musical. They're annoying and uncool. They're only fun if you're like John Stossil and can go on to become famous for your smoothly nasal delivery of boring and trite news topics.
Anyhow, yesterday I got caught in the rain, rendering pointless the 30 minutes I spent blow-drying my hair. Had I known it was going to rain, I would have packed an umbrella or started out the day looking like curbside trash to maintain continuity. So, unprepared for the condensation, I got back to my apartment cold, wet, and bitter. Which means it was different than any other day because I was cold and wet.
What would have saved my hair? These magnificent inventions…
The Only Weather Forecasting Umbrella (was $139.95, now $99.95): A light on the handle FLASHES WHEN IT IS GOING TO RAIN. The handle has a built-in radio receiver that operates on a proprietary wireless network, so it won't suffer from interference from other wireless devices, and it receives weather data for 150 U.S. locations from Accuweather.com. A single C battery powers a LED located at the bottom of the handle that flashes in proportion to the likelihood of precipitation for your area; if there is a 100% chance, it will flash rapidly, and if a 10% chance, it will flicker slowly. Therefore…my magically intelligent, flashing, genius umbrella would probably have at least freaked my dog out if it was going to rain. He eats poop, but he would have been ahead of me on that weather ESP thing. I probably would have missed it anyhow because I ignore flashing things. They remind me of the VCR I haven't been able to program.
The Nubrella ($50): Seriously. This device is such a mixture of vanity and practicality, I don't know whether to love it or hate it.
WHY PART OF ME WANTS A NUBRELLA: 1. The wind won't turn your umbrella inside out 2. If the homeless person outside your building spits at you again…you're safe 3. Hair, makeup, and shoulders will be protected from hydrated ruination. 4. No one will attempt to share your umbrella with you, so you can avoid stinky, dirty, human contact. 5. No pointy edges in the eyes of fellow pedestrians.
WHY I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO BUY A NUBRELLA: 1. It looks like the cone of silence. 2. It will make me look like a walking half-condom. 3. Although my makeup and hair will look good in the rain, I will still look stupid. 4. Bubble Boy, the movie 5. No pointy edges in the eyes of fellow pedestrians. 6. What if it starts to mist inside the nubrella and I stumble into traffic, die, and my picture is published in the papers in conjunction with the headline "DEATH BY ODDLY SHAPED UMBRELLA. ELLA. ELLA. ELLA."