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I Went On A Tinder Date With A Juggalo

August 7, 2014 by Justine Schwartz
shefinds | Style

You think YOU attract Tinder creeps? Wait ’til you read this week’s dating confessional–a new column dedicated to 100% TRUE dating horror stories that members of our SHEfinds community have shared. From the most sexually graphic Tinder messages ever received (a few examples here), to a guy that talked about his other sexual exploits MID-coitus, you won’t believe the stories we’ve collected. Or, maybe you will–we’ve all dated our fair share of creeps, haven’t we?

In this week’s edition, McKenzie* an NY-based marketing manager agrees to meet David, an electrical engineer from Florida, for drinks after having “a decent conversation” on Tinder. What she discovers about this Florida native when she meets him will literally haunt your dreams (if you have a fear of clowns, that is): 

*All names have been changed.

I just joined Tinder and I matched with a guy named David. He said he was an electrical engineer from Florida and that he was working on some projects on hotels here in the city. We had a decent conversation on the app and then he asked to meet up for drinks (which he later changed to dinner because he was “really hungry.” Okay.). I was nervous because this was my absolute first Tinder date, and I was scared that we wouldn’t have anything in common, so I went out to drinks with a friend first. And from his profile he seemed TOO nice, like he didn’t know how to have fun. He just seemed straight-edge.

I showed up 20 minutes late. Of course every girl shows up a few minutes late to a first date! I’m a little drunk by now, and the waitress comes and gives me the menu. I noticed that he wasn’t looking at his, so I asked if he knew what he wanted to order. He gives me an attitude! “I already looked at the menu 3 times while I was waiting for you, since you’re so late.” I tried to play it off, like “Oh, sorry,” but it was already super awkward.

I tried to make small talk with him. I asked about his family, said that I was close with mine. He goes, “Oh, that’s good. My mom was a crack-whore who left when I was six, so it was just me and my dad.” How do you respond to that?!

He goes on. “Actually, my dad is kind of cool. I was caught smoking weed when I was 13 and my dad just came up behind me and smacked me on the back of the head and then we smoked together.” Um, that is not a good first date story!

Later, he was reaching for something, and I noticed he had all these tattoos poking out of his shirt (it was March, so was he had long sleeves on). I grabbed his arm. “You have tattoos? I would have never guessed that from your profile!” All casual, he was like, “Yeah. I have a couple.” I asked him to show me his very first one, because everyone always has a good story for their first tattoo. I thought that was a good first date question.

He lifted up his pant and pointed to a little line on his ankle. “My friend had a tattoo gun, so I gave myself my very first tattoo.” Kind of cool. Then he pulls up his other pant leg, and the word “Juggalo” was tattooed on his shin. It was huge! It went from his knee all the way down to his ankle.

“What is that?” I asked. “Like a male prostitute? A gigolo?” He said, “No, no, no – look it up on your phone.”

So, I awkwardly look it up on my phone while he’s watching me, and it’s like, an underground, rap movement. They paint their faces like clowns and have this call. They’re obsessed with the band Insane Clown Posse.

My first thought was “”How do I get out of this date?” I thought I was going to get murdered. Yep, and that was my first Tinder ever.

 

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